You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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