Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
