I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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