Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
