Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
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In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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