is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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