Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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