Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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