So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
