I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
