It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
