Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dignity is for republicans.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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