Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
