I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
