Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
