I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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