Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
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guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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