You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
