I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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