this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
