Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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