i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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