Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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