I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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