I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
