So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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