i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
