You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
