I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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