The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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