I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
