I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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