Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
