i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
