I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
