Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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