i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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