Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
