I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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