You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
