Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"