New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
