my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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