70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
