Im at strip club and am horny
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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