I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
