I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
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Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
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Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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