its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
operation harelip BJ is a go
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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