Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
barbara walters just said penis...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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