He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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