Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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