I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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