It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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