I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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