I think I died a long time ago.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
