your parents love me but you hate me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
