my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
