I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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