i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
