tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
