I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
