I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
